Please count on me:

I will put yard signs in rivers

I will post nudes on social media

I will knock down doors

I will be a table at local events

I will paint my chest

I will paint my neighbor’s chest

I will wear a sandwich board (and nothing else)

I will bring my somebody else’s pornography to a book-burning

I will shave my hair and donate it to “Mark’s Mustaches” charity for Men Who Can’t Grow a Good Mustache

I will memorize Deuteronomy

I will cast a vote on behalf of my dead Uncle Chester

I will spray-paint dirty words on my garage door and blame BLM

I will throw juice boxes at a rally

I Will Follow You Into the Dark is a song by Death Cab For Cutie

I will chew out a Taco Bell cashier.

I will eat my comic book collection

I will learn where my local library is and boycott it

I will judge a hot dog eating contest

I will sculpt a Mark Rottenson figurine for my shrine

I will buy an AMERICANS FOR PROSPARODY t-shirt and run it over with my lawnmower as an act of protest. (buy here!)