Mark Rottenson

We’re so similar, a vote for me is like a vote for you!

Meet Mark

We don’t need another Ivy League candidate trying to climb the political ladder. We need a regular guy. That’s me. I’m a bizarrely average American. I’m just like you. I don’t want political power; I just want to be the Supreme Chancellor of the Galactic Senate. But first governor, then president. You know what I’m talking about.

Like you, I came from nothing and managed to sink lower. I’ve been bankrupt repeatedly, failed to pay my taxes, been convicted for writing bad checks, and am the perfect choice to manage the state’s economy.

We both put family first. But what keeps us up at night is the possibility that our children might gain basic rights. Parents need rights, not tyrannical kids. We can overthrow our juvenile oppressors by first shielding them from learning things we disagree with. Things like science, history, and that satanic Black Panther comic book movie.

With vaccinations too, parents know best. Not those elitist doctors misled by decades of medical education. It’s time for a change. Fetal rights come first. Parents’ rights next. Children’s rights come last. This is common sense stuff, folks.

You and I think alike. We love America. We agree it is the best country in the world and also a hellish liberal abomination and socialist wasteland. We agree that America has the largest GDP in world history and that our economy is in shambles. We believe America is a meritocracy and yet politics shouldn’t be. (I am not a success. I’m terrible at math. I got fired. A lot.)

Like you, I believe climate change is a hoax created by gay extraterrestrials. The climate only changes four times a year, with the seasons. Ask any old person, the weather is just as mild, calm, and stable as it has always been. As you know, we can safely burn a trillion gallons of oil and it will not generate any heat.

Some think I am boringly mainstream because I’m a traditionalist. I’m proud of the legacy of the noble South who fought the War of Northern Aggression to preserve an economic system based on the grueling, thankless work of dozens of plantation owners. We are all disgusted by efforts to tear down monuments to the Confederacy. There is nothing in the history of the South to be ashamed of. My pride in our heritage is so great, that I make Confederate Flag memes similar to the ones you make.

We can all agree that the United States is a Christian Nation. Just like Vatican City. I will deport anyone who disagrees: especially hippies, Hindus, globalist bankers, transgender kids, Swifties, and agnostic Jew comic writers in league with Satanic Marxists.

I’m proud to say I prefer straight, Christian men. We all know we are called to be led by men, not women. I read from the Gospel of Testiclees, not the Book of Fallopians. We’re on the same page here. Men lead; women bleed.

Ever vomited on a rainbow flag? Me too. Those flags make me puke because homosexuality is an abomination that leads to pedophilia and the horrors of interior design.

And, it isn’t just the homosexuals, I want out of the black community. Libs won’t admit black people have achieved little. Black folks suck from the putrid tit of the government and then complain about getting sour milk. The NAACP are Commies and Kwanzaa is Hanukkah on food stamps.

I came from nothing and rose to be the first black politician to be endorsed by White Supremacists for Equality. We deserve to be represented by a common man who has led a middling life bereft of success. I am an extraordinarily ordinary person, just like you, except better.

Mark Rottenson